Raising Girls Who Are ‘Includers’ Instead of ‘Mean Girls’: Fostering Kindness
Reading time: 12 minutes
Ever watched your daughter navigate social dynamics and wondered how to guide her toward becoming someone who builds others up rather than tears them down? You’re not alone in this journey. Research shows that 85% of parents worry about their daughters experiencing or participating in social exclusion, yet only 23% feel equipped with concrete strategies to foster inclusive behavior.
Table of Contents
- Understanding the Includer vs. Mean Girl Dynamic
- The Psychology Behind Exclusionary Behavior
- Building Emotional Intelligence and Empathy
- Practical Strategies for Parents
- Creating Home Environments That Foster Inclusion
- Navigating Social Media and Digital Interactions
- Building Your Daughter’s Kindness Toolkit
- Frequently Asked Questions
Understanding the Includer vs. Mean Girl Dynamic
Let’s start with the straight talk: mean girl behavior isn’t inevitable. It’s learned, which means it can be unlearned and replaced with inclusive patterns. Dr. Rachel Simmons, author of “Odd Girl Out,” emphasizes that “girls who exclude others are often responding to their own feelings of powerlessness or insecurity.”
Characteristics of Includers vs. Excluders
| Behavior Type | Includers | Mean Girls | Long-term Impact |
|---|---|---|---|
| Social Response | Invites others to join activities | Creates exclusive groups | Builds wider social networks |
| Conflict Resolution | Seeks understanding and compromise | Uses social punishment | Develops stronger problem-solving skills |
| Power Dynamics | Shares leadership and decision-making | Maintains control through exclusion | Creates collaborative relationships |
| Emotional Regulation | Processes feelings constructively | Uses others as emotional outlets | Develops emotional resilience |
The Real Cost of Mean Girl Culture
Consider Sarah, a 12-year-old who began excluding classmates after moving to a new school. Her mother noticed that while Sarah gained temporary social status, she became increasingly anxious and struggled with genuine friendships. Exclusionary behavior creates a cycle of insecurity – the very thing it’s meant to combat.
The Psychology Behind Exclusionary Behavior
Understanding why girls engage in mean behavior is crucial for prevention. Research from the University of California reveals that exclusionary behavior peaks between ages 11-14, coinciding with significant brain development and social awareness changes.
Core Drivers of Mean Girl Behavior
Social Status Anxiety
Peer Pressure Response
Emotional Regulation Issues
Learned Behavior
Key Insight: Girls who exclude others are often trying to solve legitimate social needs – belonging, security, and control – through ineffective methods.
Building Emotional Intelligence and Empathy
The foundation of inclusive behavior lies in emotional intelligence. Dr. Daniel Goleman’s research shows that children with higher emotional intelligence are 40% more likely to engage in prosocial behaviors.
The Empathy Development Process
Real scenario: When 10-year-old Maya noticed a classmate eating lunch alone, her initial instinct was to ignore the situation. However, her mother had consistently practiced “perspective-taking conversations” at home. Maya thought, “How would I feel if that were me?” and invited the girl to join her table.
Four-Step Empathy Building Approach:
- Notice: “What do you see happening here?”
- Perspective: “How might that person be feeling?”
- Connect: “Have you ever felt that way?”
- Act: “What could you do to help?”
Practical Strategies for Parents
Let’s move beyond theory to actionable approaches. The most effective parents use what child psychologists call “proactive inclusion coaching” – teaching inclusive behavior before problems arise.
Daily Inclusion Practices
Morning Check-ins: Start each day with a simple question: “Who might need a friend today?” This primes your daughter to look for inclusion opportunities rather than just navigating her own social needs.
Story Analysis: When reading books or watching movies together, pause to discuss character motivations. “Why do you think Emma left Katie out of the game? How could she have handled that differently?”
The Bystander Activation Strategy
Research shows that 87% of mean girl incidents happen in the presence of bystanders, yet only 19% of witnesses intervene. Teaching your daughter to be an active bystander transforms her from a passive observer to an inclusion champion.
Case Study: Fifteen-year-old Jasmine witnessed her friend group deliberately excluding a new student. Instead of staying silent, she used her “bridge-building” skills, saying, “Hey, we’re talking about the weekend plans. What are you doing, Chloe?” This simple inclusion statement shifted the entire dynamic.
Creating Home Environments That Foster Inclusion
Your home environment shapes your daughter’s default social patterns. Families that practice inclusion internally raise daughters who naturally extend that behavior externally.
Family Inclusion Rituals
- Gratitude Circles: Weekly family discussions about people who showed kindness
- Kindness Challenges: Monthly family goals to include someone new
- Conflict Resolution Practice: Using family disagreements as empathy-building opportunities
- Community Service: Regular volunteering to expand perspective on helping others
Navigating Social Media and Digital Interactions
Digital spaces amplify both inclusive and exclusive behaviors. A 2023 study found that girls who practice digital inclusion are 60% less likely to engage in cyberbullying.
Digital Inclusion Guidelines
The “Before You Post” Check:
- Would this make someone feel left out?
- Am I sharing this to build up or show off?
- How would I feel if I weren’t included in this post?
Positive Digital Actions: Encourage commenting supportively on others’ posts, sharing achievements of friends, and using group chats to include rather than exclude.
Building Your Daughter’s Kindness Toolkit
Essential Skills for Includers
1. Social Radar Development
Teach your daughter to notice social cues: Who’s sitting alone? Who looks uncomfortable? Who might be feeling left out? This awareness is the first step toward inclusive action.
2. Conversation Bridge-Building
Provide specific language: “Room for one more?” “What do you think about…?” “Have you met…?” These simple phrases become powerful inclusion tools.
3. Conflict De-escalation
When tension arises, includers know how to redirect: “Let’s take a break and figure this out” or “I think we’re all wanting the same thing here.”
Addressing Common Challenges
Challenge 1: Fear of Social Rejection
Solution: Role-play different scenarios at home. Practice gives confidence, and confidence enables inclusive action even when it feels risky.
Challenge 2: Peer Pressure to Exclude
Solution: Develop “values anchoring” – helping your daughter identify her core values and practice staying true to them under pressure.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I handle it when my daughter is the one being mean?
Address the behavior immediately but focus on understanding the underlying need. Ask, “What were you trying to accomplish?” and “How do you think that affected others?” Then work together to find inclusive ways to meet her actual needs for belonging or control. Consequences should include making amends and practicing alternative behaviors.
What if my daughter’s friend group engages in exclusionary behavior?
Help your daughter develop the skills to be a positive influence within her group. Practice phrases like “Let’s invite Sarah too” or “That doesn’t sound like us.” If the group consistently pressures her toward mean behavior, it may be time to help her expand her social circle while maintaining individual friendships when possible.
How young should I start teaching inclusion skills?
Inclusion skills can begin as early as age 3-4 through modeling and simple conversations about feelings. By elementary school, children can understand perspective-taking and practice specific inclusion strategies. The key is age-appropriate language and expectations while maintaining consistent messaging about kindness and inclusion.
Nurturing Tomorrow’s Compassionate Leaders
Here’s your practical roadmap for raising an includer:
Week 1-2: Begin daily perspective-taking conversations during routine activities like car rides or dinner prep.
Week 3-4: Introduce the “kindness challenge” – one small inclusive act each day, discussed during evening check-ins.
Month 2: Practice bystander intervention skills through role-playing common social scenarios your daughter might encounter.
Month 3: Establish family inclusion rituals and volunteer together in your community to reinforce the value of including others.
Ongoing: Model inclusive behavior in your own relationships and continue conversations about digital citizenship and online inclusion.
The path from mean girl culture to inclusive leadership isn’t just about preventing negative behavior – it’s about actively cultivating the emotional intelligence and social skills that will serve your daughter throughout her life. Every conversation about inclusion is an investment in her future relationships, leadership potential, and personal happiness.
As our world becomes increasingly interconnected, the ability to include, understand, and collaborate with diverse groups becomes not just a social skill, but a critical life competency. What kind of leader do you want your daughter to become, and how will you start building those skills today?
Article reviewed by Sophie Laurent, Seduction & Charisma Mentor | Authentic Attraction Through Confidence, on May 29, 2025
